I’m Learning.

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The one thing “THEY” really don’t teach when your younger and in school is how to detect when your in a toxic relationship.The thing is, you have to be in it to learn it and truly swallow it down, and that just kind of sucks. Sure, our parents can offer help, or real friends and family may suggest things, but it is so minimal and you wont be prepared. Until you’re involved and for what ever reason everything people tell you about the bad relationship you won’t be able to wrap your head around it. Then BOOM  by the time you realize what’s happening your in  Ass deep, feelings get hurt. Lies and phony stories circulate causing  a ripple affect that spreads like a cancer wiping out other friendships in its wake. Now what you don’t realize at first is, wiping out a handful of friends that take the toxic side and drop you off their radar because they are hearing one side is also in your favor. These are fake friends. Think about it, toxic people intermingle with toxic people, you know the story,  (misery loves company) Be thankful you threw that bowling ball and you hit a strike.

Now the part that sucks is, the betrayal you feel. You sit back and wonder What the fresh hell is going on? How some could listen and believe such crap without hearing the other side nor do they want to. Well those are the weak, they are people who would rather be a follower then a leader and think on their own. Or maybe they choose to stay on the bad side of the fence because its just comfortable, maybe they are getting something more then a friendship out it, money? A free service of some kind? A job perhaps? So they simply don’t want to rock the boat. Whatever it is, trust in the fact you don’t need this shit sandwich.

I was awakened all in one swoop when I basically walked into an all you can eat shit buffet!

While going through a divorce I was truly amazed at who went with the lying cheating narcissist, how could they turn their backs on me. What was even more crazy is some of these people I’d known for a long time, You think they’d know you, know the truth, Or YOU thought you knew them, you thought they were real friends, and POW you got slapped! HARD!  I was told its because I was being mean. Okay, Ladies, even Men, I ask, who the hell isn’t going to be bitchy after being betrayed after 20 plus years of marriage.  Lame ass excuses, Again this is the weak minded who can’t deal with truths. Sadly this goes for some family too.

Also, there is the fact that my Ex had the bigger money, he threw all the big parties. He was “the boss” I get it, but, his fan club lost their idol when he died,  and now what, no more riding the coat tails? Are ya feeling any guilt? Is that why they can’t even look me in the face, or have a conversation? Afraid you made one hell of a mistake. Sprinkle some denial on top and your done.

Since then My circle got smaller, tighter. But sadly once in a while you’ll have yet another battle to fight. I saw the true colors pop out with another. So close this one was I got a sense of jealousy toward me, after awhile it almost felt reminiscent  as to  what my Ex late husband was doing to me, on a different  playing field, but narcissistic all the same. These toxic people hate to see you happy, and their friendship is a double blade, cutting you both ways emotionally, they are so nice to you and at the same time have the ability to make you feel sad. You will never please them, they enjoy telling others you hurt their feelings by twisting words you said or things you do to fit their agenda. They stab you and then play victim. Honestly they love this. Usually they want to be your only friend, and become high maintenance and insecure if you do have a life other then them. I discovered there was a BIG problem when this friend wanted me to end another friendship by telling me lies like, she’s steeling my stuff, or shes not to be trusted. I didn’t fall for it. Then, when I found myself in love again and began a new happy life, everyone was over the moon happy for me, for us, we were told what a good fit we are and how happy and in love we both look. But this same friend told me maybe I should dump him, that I could do better…WHAT? Why? Because friends like these want you  miserable, That’s why.  I can only assume its because they are miserable too, and they crave to be in control of you. Again I didn’t listen, by then I was learning, as she was the only one trying to take my positives and make them negatives. Unfortunately, these personality traits are very tricky, you have to live it to see it, others around you may not see it. Or it may take a little time.  From where i’m sitting , Its like a big game, these manipulators use people like pawns in a game of chess. They need minions to feed their big ass ego’s.

Don’t play this game. Back away.  I learned that after spending a few hours or a day with a friend, if your emotional state is pissed off, up-set, or feeling anxiety, this is NOT a good friend, I learned this and  it was a shitty lesson, but I learned. I’m still learning, this time with different eyes, ears and heart.

I’m learning what real friends say and do and how they treat you. I’m learning love doesn’t have to hurt. I’m learning that I’m strong minded and can’t be manipulated any longer, I’m  learning My Happiness is MY creation no one else’s.  I’ve learned friends can give good advice, and, good friends won’t get mad if you don’t take it. ** If you ever go through a very dark time in your life and a friend gets mad at you because they feel your not paying attention to them, well then, maybe you should pay very close attention to that, and when you wake up you’ll  learn that’s NOT a friend, and you will learn to walk away.**

 

DREAM~WISH~BELIEVE   Robin H. Soprano.

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A Letter for My Late Ex Husband’s family.

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This  has been a long time coming, about 2 years. Maybe a little longer. I assumed you had all moved on, as did I. But I noticed maybe some of you sadly have not as it has been blatantly been brought to my attention just a few nights ago.

You are all still accusing me of behaving in a manner which I can not understand. I’m being accused of lies and a skewed perception of what really went on all because you choose to not  hear a truth, A truth about a man we didn’t know. You tell me I have made this all about me, Well I was the fool who married him and stayed there for almost 25 years! I was the one being abused and lied to, and I am the one who’s life is now forever altered because of the bad choices he made.

I am being accused of tarnishing a man’s image. No He did that all his own I am merely the messenger. I am being accused of laughing through a memorial service, which I also did not do. Though I do believe, you couldn’t recognize what you were seeing is someone who learned her husband had a dark secret life, was involved in illegal dark things that I couldn’t  fathom or make up. You saw someone holding her head up high and not being ashamed of what he brought into my life.  You saw someone who had no tears left for a monster I cried over for years leading up to his tragic death. Instead of understanding where I was coming from I suppose it was easier to make me the bad guy, to deflect all your feeling and anger on me.

Its okay I understand none of you are strong enough to go through what I did so maybe that’s why it all fell on me, putting out all the fires he set, Fixing the scrambled fiances, taking the brunt of working with people who knew so much more then they told me and piled more lies on top to cover for him. I was strong enough to clean out his apartment and see things I wont ever forget. Strong enough to deal with lawyers, accountants and phone calls from prostitutes that wanted to come find me and in their words “Cut me.”  I will admit I did laugh at  the little crack head that threatened me, And I begged her to come find me, because that’s how strong I am.

All of you, his family, through  this  whole nightmare  you were nowhere to be found, not one of you offered to help, not one of you came here for longer then the hour in church, to ask if I needed help cleaning up the disaster He left behind. You shocked people with your ignorant behavior towards me and were the object of discussion after memorial. Congratulations on that achievement.

I do  Thank you,  because I now know how independent and tough I truly am. I did not end up in a crazy house and I can talk about my nightmare and the house of horrors, in the hopes of helping others. I hope someday you can stop sweeping things under the rug and pull your heads out of the sand and stop living a dysfunctional delusion and face reality. Life sometimes is really bad, and you can’t pretend this didn’t happen .

I lived walking on eggshells, biting my tongue, holding my breath.  A toll was wrecking havoc on my health and immune system because of the negativity he threw at me daily.  When I would get sick he used to tell me I brought it on myself.  Then left me all alone to deal with what ever illness came to me. Most times in pain and bed ridden, once when I miss-carried I was on my own for over 12 hours. He did’t think it was necessary to take the day off, and he was the boss. This is abusive and unacceptable behavior.

True its harder to see abuse when there is no bruises. When one is being pushed into walls or punched a few times a week that leaves the telltale signs. The Scars I now have are from Domestic Coercion and are not visible to the eye. Its much worse, it is the breaking of ones spirit  and being robbed of your sense of identity. But thankfully he was not able to break me, he might of bent me but I came back better then I was before.

Funny thing about going through a traumatic  life experience it does change us and sorry to tell you there is no such thing as getting over it. We learn to accept any kind of loss but in reality it is much bigger, A life disruption leaves a new normal in its path. There was no getting back to the old me. I have found new joys and found my  hidden strength.  You can not glaze over problems in an effort to preserve things as normal. It will never be the same, It takes courage, I have it, and you do not. This is your issue not mine. I have been told over and over  what a inspiration I am because so many watched and supported me and still  wonder in awe how I lived through this hell.

Lastly let me say here I can talk about this to anyone  I choose, and do so without crying anymore. The worst part of my life brought me to the best part. I am loved and I am healthy. I help others when I can. I am in control of my life. No one tells me what to say, or suggests how to act and no one controls my fiances. My late husband once said to someone, after he walked out of my life, she’s not going to make it on her own. Thank god he said that, because look at me, making it! Through all of this I was able to forgive him and I do feel less haunted. But as for all of you and certain friends who turned their backs and accused me of doing things I never did and never taking the time to talk to me about it or understand where I was coming from there is no more forgiving to go around for me. I think you guys need to take a long look at yourselves. The hurtful way you went about a difficult time in all our lives was disappointing beyond belief . You drew the line in the sand not me, that being said we are not family we are not blood I only shared a name. My blood supported me and rallied around me, and rightfully so.

Some ask why did I bother with a letter, your not going to get anywhere with them. my answer…I know, I guess I just needed some more peace.

I am blessed, loved and cherished by many everyday.  I have a new happy life and new family. Please leave me alone.

Robin H Soprano.

I want my Happy back!

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ONCE again I find myself at the mercy of yet another diet. why?

Okay, its true no denying it… I did put on a few too many in the past year, but in my defense… I’ve been HAPPY!

Let me start by saying. I have NEVER been long lanky skinny skinny mini. I simply was not born that shape. I, like most woman have curves, Hell when I was 10  yrs. old people thought I was 18. Its true. I had boobs and I was already 5’6.  I always had some meat on my bones. But never was obese.

So because of the way society thinks we should look I have dieted, starved, worked out till I passed out, for most of my life trying to fit in what the world thinks is beautiful. I never got as skinny as I wanted or thought I should be. I believe i’m just starting to realize, at the age of 50, it’s just not gonna happen. I came to this conclusion recently while yet torturing myself on yet another diet. Here are my thoughts.

Did you ever notice there are people who can eat whatever, whenever and never gain a pound. They stay the same no matter their age. No matter what. Nothing effects their weight. But  people like me, who are what I like to call weight sensitive, or NORMAL we go up and down up and down you know why…. because we are trying to be something our body does not want to be. My Doctor never said to me lose  50 to 100 pounds he said lose a few to keep yourself in a safe zone for diabetes since it runs in your family.

Everyone is different. I have got to stop beating myself up. Look at my age I can look good and feel good, I don’t need to take a selfie in a bikini to prove that. I feel good and look good for my age. What I don’t feel right now is happy. What I feel right now is hungry. As I type this I also feel my hands shake because i’m starving. For what purpose is this. The reward people say is, you lost weight look how good you look. Okay but guess what… the scale today is up 4 pounds. IT WENT UP! I didn’t even cheat. I might of added a few things here and there… but, if the scale is up four pounds because I ate an extra  celery stalk, or I might of put a teaspoon of oil on my salad here and there because i’m bored with eating cardboard, then i’m out!

I look back at all the times I had significant weight loss. I was under stress. I was in mourning over a loved one. Or Someone broke my heart and I was unhappy. The common denominator here is   (nothing good.)

Through my life this has always been how it goes, up and down. When I diet, on purpose its not an easy task, its a struggle and its pure torture. I’m hungry all the time and after the first 10 or 15  pounds comes off, nothing budges,  its game over.

I not happy. Lately I have been depressed, and i’m starting to put it all together. I enjoy on occasion going to lunch with friends or even out to dinner. I enjoy opening a good bottle of wine. I Love going out with my love and getting an occasional meal or ice cream cone. I love to cook I love to cook for friends and have dinner parties. I love to be around people. For the past month I have stopped enjoying life all because of a few pounds.

I’ve become a hermit. Told people not come over or I can’t go out . This is making me crazy, and to wake up and check my weight has gone up 4 pounds and I didn’t even eat anything worth it!!  I think that’s when I had an my epiphany. Why am I making myself miserable! I have been down this road way too many times . The results are always the same.  I’m not happy, nor do I feel like I have more energy because I lost weight. I feel the same as I always did, just hungrier and miserable.

I hate to say i’m a quitter but how many times to I have to torture myself.  I don’t have the bad eating habits that some people have who are obese, some eat because of emotions, or they are midnight snackers.  I have seen people eat a whole bag of candy or junk food, Or hide food . I don’t have any of these problems, I just may have an occasional desert, or a second helping of a meal, which I know can be easily controlled. I just have to get my head around that. I’m sure its enough to keep the extra pounds off long term.

Also I have seen the other side of this coin too. People like me who are probably supposed to naturally have a little weight on them and they are super skinny, you know the ones, we’ve all seen them. They are the ones who struggle everyday to stay a certain weight, usually under what they should be.  I observe people its a habit of mine. You watch them when they sit down to eat. These are the types who can never sit through a  whole meal eating. They are up and down looking for something, or they say they are helping by washing a pot or pan, or weirdly decide to go do something right at the time we are ready to sit down for a meal.. “Oh Go ahead i’ll be there in a minute”  you know what i’m talking about, if they take one bite from their whole plate its a miracle.  They play with their food too, its so annoying, especially if they are in a restaurant because they cant get up and do anything there are no excuses… like let me get the coffee started, or clean the kitchen so I can sit longer, or let me just finish the laundry… so they simply say I’m stuffed, I can’t eat another bite, REALLY? Because i’ve been watching you not eat.  They aren’t fooling me.  I have been there … honestly its too hard to stay under the weight your supposed to be,  I don’t think that’s healthy either, your starving and you know it!

Even if I was to to wire my jaw shut or go to a fat farm,  Yes, the weight would come off but the minute you ate what is considered a normal well balanced meal, POOF your 10 pounds heavier.

I have lived long enough to know that I’ve been on this road time and time again. I am not happy, I miss doing things. I am more grumpier and bitchy lately and that’s not good.

I have got to stop.  This is who I am.  Curvy, with a few pounds on me. I truly don’t eat bad, but I eat. I enjoy life.  Right now I am not enjoying life. When one stays in bed all day because it keeps you from eating…I’m sorry, this is no way to live. Also My Ex husband and I drifted because he wanted to become  a super skinny guy again, not a healthy weight. We ate at different times  or he avoided meals all together, and worked out for hours instead of having fun and living a life with me.   I see this happening again, I get too hungry and I have my meal then my boyfriend has his hours later. We are not sitting and having conversation, talking, or loving. I refuse to go down that path again. I’m tired of hiding in my house, and i’m tired of preparing and eating food that I hate to eat.

I want to live the rest of my life happy. The world has got to stop putting so much emphasis on body image. And clothes manufactures have got to realize just because I have curves does not mean I have to shop in the plus size… Hell, I don’t know who they make clothes for now,  but a few times extra large was as big as the medium?!  The smallest size I have ever been was a 10… I’m not petite, never was, but there is nothing wrong with my body, Clothes shopping though can put you in a crazy house if your not a little thing.

Well my aha moment is done.  I very much realized why I’ve been in a funk… this is it. I’m hungry, and nothing is happening. I’m alienating friends and what makes me happy for what?  So I  can be a smaller size for a few months.  I don’t need anyone telling me  they have the next diet that’s going to work. There is no magic pill, but there is a balance that I have got to find, and also learn to love me the way god made me… I believe That’s really where we struggle.

Author Robin H. Soprano.

DREAM ~ WISH~ BELIEVE.

THE WORST BEST THING.

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November 15 th 2015 Is a small but very significant  anniversary of my life now. It has been one whole year   my life changed forever. The worst day of my life turned into what is now a happy and full life.

In short, last year on this date it was a beautiful Sunday, I walked the dog,  made a pot of sauce with meatballs, had coffee with the stranger I thought was my husband for 24 years. Then I did laundry,  found a room card key in my husbands jeans. He admitted to an affair. It shattered me.

We talked about how our marriage was unraveling before this and we had pulled apart but he never wanted to get help, and I thought he was stressed. Little did I know what the next four months had installed for me.

After I threw him out. I quickly moved to a new house, took what was mine and left him to figure out the rest. I flew home to NJ to spend the holidays with family. That was a great Idea, I got a lot of pep talks and through anxiety attacks, tears and darkness I was able to come back to Florida and face the demon. Now keep in mind, I was not in love with my husband anymore but my life was comfortable and in all honesty, I was so unhappy  for so long that I used to say, if I ever found someone I would have left first. I was in a very unloving marriage, verbal abuse, home alone and on my own because he was never there. Our sex life, non existent. The Thing that had me frightened down to my core was being on my own, How would I live? I didn’t work anymore and even if I did where could I get a job making X amount to survive?

Yes of course I went straight to a lawyer, found out I had a lot coming my way!  My husband owned his own company, and after 24 years I was going to get substantial alimony. My husband didn’t want a divorce but he also wanted out. The way he was talking I knew in my gut there was something wrong, mid-life crisis gone really bad!

January came and so did a few dates from guys… some nice some gave me confidence some were insane. On line dating can be scary.  I celebrated my 49th Birthday with girlfriends, but inside I was a wreck. Every morning was so hard to get up and face another day of the unknown. Meanwhile the divorce papers had been sent.

Valentines day came and went, and then a friend introduced to me to a gentleman she knew for a long time. I was hesitant but also keeping an open mind on this new adventure of dating. As luck or as I like to think FATE would have it we hit it off.   From that first date we have not been apart since!

My life was changing, and fast. Every time I took a scary step I realized it was not that scary and I enjoyed having to make decisions on my own with out my over baring husband who was now ignoring me and the divorce papers.  I also was helping out a friend in her salon, a little job that kept me in some ways sane. I started to really see me! That I wasn’t naive, I wasn’t dense, or daft. As my husband used to say.  I realized the decisions I was making and just life in general is really getting peaceful. ..And above all… My boyfriend and I were falling in love.

March 10th 2016. I woke up that morning feeling really great. No anxiety, no crying. my boyfriend called me, like he was now doing every morning on his way to work,  and I felt really happy for the first time in so long. So I sat on the bed and said a prayer and thanked God and all my Angels for watching over me.

Three hours later I get a phone call from the hospital that my soon to be Ex husband got in a motorcycle accident and was killed. The husband I knew never wanted a motorcycle, he always said he would kill himself on one if he got one. I was beyond confused, I felt as though I was suffocating.

Shattered again. I felt so angry,  What was going on in his life why was he acting insane and reckless!  So now what…I’m a widow, now what happens?

Enter darkness once again…anxiety, sleepless nights unless I drugged myself. What I went through next I don’t wish on my enemies, and sadly now I have some!

I finally got a hold of all his things and had to go clean out the fancy apartment he rented, That alone was insanity for me.  I got possession of his computer and ipad, I discovered my late husband had a secret life of hookers, sex, nightclubs and his gambling got worse. I found one nasty thing after another. How could this be?  The more I found out the more certain friends and employees turned away from me. Even his family turned on me in my darkest hours. I still don’t believe it! How certain individuals have dumped on me. How am I the bad guy here?! To this day that hurts me more then what my husband did behind my back.  I even had to make sure one of his little sluts didn’t come to the memorial mass I had for him because I was being threatened  that they would find me and cut me. THIS is what my husband got into and I feared I was gonna get sucked down his dark path.  Needless to say I had to close up the business and liquidate assets. Guess what…that put money in my pocket that I never had, Paul kept me dependent on him.  Slowly things started to come together, something I thought would be bad actually turn out good. This whole time My boyfriend stayed right by my side and helped clean up my late husbands mess. Not his Family or his so called friends who were so devastated they couldn’t get their shit together. none of them helped me at all! (yes I have a list) I thank god everyday he has sent me a wonderful man. It certainly was not his job to help clean up. But a good man says, yes it is my job, I love you.

April 2016 My boyfriend Harry moves in with me. I am dealing with lawyers and the clean up of business’s . At some point when my husband had a clue of normalcy in his life he took out a life insurance policy that I knew nothing about, and my lawyers sent it in. Again God and my Angels heard my prayers, heard my cries of despair and answered them.

August 31st I bought a home of my own. I love that there was no argumentative conversations or hours of decision making it was actually very easy. Again I see how difficult my late husband made my life. My migraines are fewer, my blood pressure is normal and I don’t get a lot of heart burn anymore.

October 15th 2016 I moved into new home. Harry paints and fixes anything I need him to and stuff I didn’t know needed fixing, including my heart. The house is so me, my style, my colors and i’m surrounded by my things, it is my comfort zone.  I am loved. I have someone to laugh with eat with and sleep with. He builds me up and is encouraging. We added a new member to our little family an English Bull dog who we named Roscoe, he keeps us and his big brother Corey  on our toes.

November 15 2016 my anniversary of my new life,  my second chance at happiness. There are no more anxiety attacks. I cook meals and decorate my new home. I know who my real true friends are now. I have learned valuable lessons in many area’s of human nature and discovered who I am. Its so refreshing not to be suppressed or told you are worthless, truly I never believed him anyway  but  that does not change the fact it hurts. The person you love should not be jealous of you or rip you apart and leave you alone and ignored . Every now and then when I say my prayers I thank Paul for everything I have now and weather he knew it or not he removed me from a his bad habits that he couldn’t control that eventually caught up to him. I forgive him. I hope he has found peace from his demons.

I am looking forward to Christmas and new years in my new home with my Harry and our friends. 2017 can’t come fast enough and I will celebrate my 50th Birthday as It starts  a New Journey, New Year,  New Life, New beginnings. All the bad that has happen brought me here to this happy spot were i’m settled with a little nest egg of my own. This Thanksgiving I can not be more thankful and humble ..I believe in god and the Universe what you reap you sow, and yes Karma. I am a good person A best friend to everyone. I Love with everything I am. My soul is an old one and it gives me great intuition that has not failed me. I have come one whole year through all this and I am one tough bitch! I’m Strong, out of the dark and into the light where I found happiness.

If anyone reading this is in a situation and you are in a dark place I hope this helps you, Also talk to a professional  therapist, it helps so much! Only you  can choose to pull out of it. I send you all good vibes and i’ll pray you find you way to the happy!

DREAM~ WISH~ BELIEVE

ONLY A WRITER KNOWS

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The other night I ran into a friend and fellow writer. Was nice to see him, I asked him what has he been writing? His answer? Nothing. I nodded in agreement because I haven’t been writing either. We both agreed that life’s ups and downs get in the way and its hard to focus, but the desire is strongly there. He has been writing a little bit here and there, same as me, just my blog and some notes about Idea’s I get. The re-assuring thing is, we get it. Only a writer knows… I totally understand where he is coming from . He also went back to college  to improve his writing skills. He praised me about the two books Ive published and I should feel good about myself, and that its okay to take some time off for myself. Most know my life changed in a blink of an eye, and now its winding down, calmer, happier. I bought a house and am right now packing, even writing this blog took longer then anticipated. A phone call or two, or whatever it is that breaks concentration .

I suppose having two books published and for sale on Amazon is a wonderful accomplishment and I really need to work on owning that.  The new house has a wonderful office that I’m making my writing cave, writers need a special place to write and feel calm and peaceful to let the muse flow. My muse is hanging back she’s around but I believe she’s letting me find my footing with my new life and waiting patiently for me to be ready.

On a fun note I visited a psychic last week, she also told me I was coming out of a ten year negativity cycle and its coming to an end. Without a word from me she knew there was a death close to me and to forgive because it was basically mentle illness that caused problems. She knew I’m creative in writing, and she saw another book from me soon. She told me I have angels all around me and one is my muse and helps me write, she also told me I will write when im ready, and not to feel pressure about it. She told me my Mother wants me to keep dancing, and she’s happy I made it through a rough time. I was also told I should always lead with my gut because its always right and thats where my clairvoyance comes into play along with my dreams. I had a very good reading , she said she told me everything I already knew, she laughed, and gave me validation.

So if your a writer your not alone. We all go through lifes up and downs. Some days you will write some you wont. We all wake up with the intension. Some can write no matter what and some of us need queit and no traumatic drama life atlering minutia that gets in the way. I am still taking a anti-depressant, the doctor wants me to stay on it a while longer, I also think this is picking at my creativity like a scab on a wound that wont heal because its altering my emotions. If a writer has no emotions while writing there will be no emotion in the reader. If im not feeling my words as I write them, my reader wont either. I truly think these pills keep my emotions so even that when I do write, im not out of breath, or crying or even laughing or the best one…When you write something so good you get  chills!

I trust myself to know that I will be writing soon, but for now I’m still on a break, I’m finding out who Robin really is and I’m learning everyday that, I’m smarter then I thought, I am finding happiness within me. I’m a great decorater, an awesome cook. A great friend and a great Lover. My temper has improved and a lot of stuff does not bother me like it used to. I dont have to worry about minial things anymore either, like who’s job it is to take out garbage or go grocery shopping., because its not a big deal! Throwing a party together is calmer and fun, no one is telling me how wrong I’m doing something or pointing out what they think are mistakes. Or the constant nagging. I feel relieved!!  All these choices are mine to make wrong or right its all about learning and being on our journey, not a destination. I am happy with what I have, and I dont need anything. I also learned how very strong I am and that shocked me the most, but in some small way I think I knew that too.

I am on a new journey and I’m loving it. I’ll be honest, Coming into to a little money is a big help but its never the answer. I am humbled and so very blessed and I will never take anything for granted but I truly never did, its not me. I’m lo-key, and though I like finer things, I’m not obsessed with over the top or flashy possessions, I don’t want the biggest house on the block and I dont want to be loud like firworks. Im happy doing normal things on a smaller scale and enjoying it better then a grand production. I have found going over the top just gives you more problems sometimes, and i’m learning most problems are easily avoidable. Things don’t have to be big, Life does not have to be big to enjoy it. Maybe some people are missing something in their life to fill a void, if there is love and happiness around you, you are wealthy and there is no void to fill!

Okay friends I need to wrap this up and start my journey for today. I thank my friend Robert for inspiring me, I might not have wrote in my novel but I wrote something…( my Blog.)

Writers need to talk with writers, get in a group, take creative writing, keep yourself motivated, even if you are not physically writing our imaginations are still billowing. Write in a journal, write a short story, write on your blog.

And Always, DREAM~WISH~BELIEVE~

A journal is good for your soul.

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It’s been a while since I blogged, as most know I have been busy, and I have also been healing. Healing my mind my heart and soul. Things are looking good and a lot of really great stuff has happened.

One reason for the blog today is, after going to writer’s group the other day, and talking about all kinds of things related to writing and not. I was asked…no, I was told by my peers to get busy writing! lol!! But as I have been talking about for months my desire has gone awry. I feel like I want to, but- my focus is off, train of though derailed. So My friend
Jorja said, journal, everyday write down your thoughts. so I decided I would blog today as part of my inspiration re-boot! For some reason its easier to write down feelings then go disappear in one of my stories in my imagination…Don’t ask why.

My muse has been very patient  probably because I still write things down about my stories in a note book, maybe i’m just waiting to be settled. On paper I am. But I have a move coming up in a month, and I’m very much looking forward to decorating and setting up my new house into a cozy home! The move isn’t far  i’m in the same town.

I am having restless nights, sleep alludes me. I think about stuff, I think about the future, I think about how my day went, worst of all, I think about the past. It’s still a complete mystery of the turn of events that happen to me…What happened to my late husband? Like I said, I’m healing but, even when I’m mended there is always going to be a scar.  I have too many questions that won’t get answered. Best I keep telling myself is to chalk it up to insanity.

I get up everyday, and live my life. I take good with bad. I have made some new friends and sadly some friends I have lost, some I chose to leave, some made the choice for me. I also lost family, they are his blood, but I think it’s better this way. They can’t handle truth and they sweep stuff under the rug and pretend like its not there. Well, that’s not me, and that is one of the big reasons my marriage started to fall apart, among a multitude of things..(insanity)

I think loosing family and friends hurts most. But I can’t make them see my side, nor do I have the energy or time to waste on it. I believe this is my life’s path, people come and go…for 25 years I lived a pretty good life but it was getting empty and lonely, my prayers got answered, in many ways really good and some, very tragic, but the big picture here is to make my next 25 better… all about my happiness. Taking care of what I want and need.

I hope my blog helps anyone going through a loss, any kind of loss… it helps to talk and write things down. I do hope I reach someone who feels as though they are at rock bottom and reading my drama  might help. please feel free to reach out and talk.

Ok… instead of thinking years into the future I’m just gonna concentrate on the next three months… I can slowly move stuff to the new house. My wonderful boyfriend is going to do some painting. I’m going to handle all the paper work of this move. I am excited about decorating my office. I want to get a nice desk and a big comfy chair to sit in…and write my stories!  and I’m looking forward to the holidays!  One day, and one moment at a time.

DREAM~ WISH~ BELIEVE

Till Death Do Us Part

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First let me start off by saying, This is my blog my feelings my truth. If you want to read it great if you think you can’t handle the truth or a story about your family member Paul or your close friend then don’t read it.  This is my story, my life changed drastically in a matter of an hour, or blink of an eye.  I never judged others I’ve always listened so i hope i get the same respect. Some have already told me they don’t want to know. Fine, that just tells me you are not strong enough to handle truth, BUT Don’t you DARE tell me i’m the bad guy without knowing the story.

I tried to write this awhile ago I was going along good and I clicked something and lost it off the blog…I believe it was not meant to be told yet, for I was still very angry. I am much calmer now. Also many have said to me I need to forgive him. I don’t think its gonna happen. Paul did things that are too unforgivable and I didn’t deserve to be treated the way he treated me in past few years.  But this is my story to purge… I may hand write another shorter version directed to him as in letter form then burn it. I am in a much better place now mind body and soul…..

 

Twenty four years ago I said I do. The man I married in 1991 was not the same man I lost.

He was sweet and he cared about my well being. He moved me to Florida so he could have a career and as he put it, “take care of me.”  I really didn’t want to move away but as a wife you go where your husband can provide for you. Truly he gave me a wonderful life. Then i started to notice a serious change. It started when he opened his owned Air Conditioning company and the money started to really roll in. A few years later we built a HUGE home too big for two people . Now here’s where things start to click for me. I always had really good intuition or gut feelings very hard to explain sometimes, and I don’t like to talk about it much because some think your nuts! I also have dreams that I now know without a shadow of a doubt are basically psychic premonitions. I’ve had them all my life but and always thought oh its just a dream…I know better now! My gut or my dreams I can tell when they are trying to tell me something because I actually get sick, or overly emotional. When I would say to Paul , “I Don’t think this house is a good idea we should go smaller im not getting a good vibe!”  He would say..”You have no idea what your talking about , you haven’t a clue about such things.”  Hmmm.. this is where the red flags started for me!

Well guess what happen next. only two years into the house the economy tanked and he couldn’t afford the house anymore. during this time the fighting started…and I was miserable. He Blamed me for everything and I mean everything! He also called me stupid on a daily basis. then the love making completely stopped. I never felt so alone. I truly thought he was under so much pressure I was an easy target, so that’s where i was forgiving and trying to be a good wife. Walking on eggshells making sure things were always done his way because now his OCD was in full bloom too.

While we were trying to save the house but we knew it wasn’t looking good. I noticed Paul’s behavior really getting weird. our fights were bad. and we grew apart. I did seek counseling and begged Paul to go. I told him we are broken we need help But he would not go. He didn’t think he was broken or wrong .  I tried talking to him but my words went over his head. Every aspect of our lives was a shattered mess like broken glass, if you don’t clean it carefully you will get cut. He also started to play poker more and stay out till 5am. This was unexceptionable to me  but I bit my tongue.  I am so glad I mentioned my rocky marriage to my close friends Because when the shit hit the fan  I didn’t need to explain too much …Paul lost weight, went to the dermatologist to get things removed, he started whitening his teeth and got a personal trainer and started to act very strange.

Meanwhile I wrote two books and started to change my life in a different way. changed my career and made a few new great friends. Paul was not supportive of this at all. he acted like he was in front of some, but not all. And to my face told me he didn’t care about my writing and when were out with friends not to bring it up and if they do to tell them you don’t want to to talk about it. These kind of things are the reasons i knew in my gut also my marriage was over. I told him twice it was over but he got scared and begged things would change…they actually got so much worse! he started to take showers when he came home late at night said he was sweaty from his day or he took a crap and wanted a shower. my gut rolled. He avoided me like I was diseased. he put pillows between us on the bed and if I rolled over and accidentally touched him he screamed at me for hours because I  woke him up .

One day I was cleaning the house and I felt so strange like I knew someone was out there waiting to find me. Love me. Appreciate me. The feelings were so strong I cried on and off all day…I might of even called a girlfriend or two and told them how I was feeling. (hindsight) listen to my gut. its almost never wrong…

Then the dreams started …I would dream of us both cheating and when I would wake the images so very vivid playing in my mind. I had to talk to my self and make sure I didn’t sleep with someone. But it was so real! Also I saw Paul sleeping with someone and I honestly  felt such betrayal! I would tell him of my dreams and he would shake his head. call me nuts.

A month later we get our final notice.It was November we were told we needed to be out of the house by January.  The next night we had a huge fight because he wanted to go out and get drunk with friends (something he never did before) and I wanted to stay home make dinner and chat quietly about what our game plan is because he truly had me in the dark, he just kept telling me to pack stuff but would not rent a house until the last minute…it doesn’t work that way . but he said he was trying to save money…hmmmm…we had a successful business you bought a 60,thousand dollar truck…huh?  He went out I stayed home and cried..and feelings of someone waiting for me kept creeping in a voice in my head said get out! get out of this situation…but I was afraid. Surly my husband loves me we are just in a rough spot..Right?

The next morning we were actually getting along fine until I went to do laundry and one of those Hotel room card keys fell out of his jeans…room 308 at hotel on Ormond beach. I approached him calmly, he denied it, “I wasn’t born yesterday” I quietly said with a smile on my face.. weird right? He began to spew lies about how im crazy, and never helped him or i was never there for him I didnt appreciate him or i was never a partner in our marriage…WHAT? That was him? Then he came clean with it was a nothing quick affair..lies..then erotic massages…lies…my world shattered again, I was alone and scared i thought i would die, how would I survive? I have a great support system of friends, i love them all but truly that goes so far, I never felt so alone in my whole life.

I went on a  few dates some were so boring, some were hair raising and some were just plain fun. Then by chance a good friend of mine ran into an old friend of hers, A man she knew for years. She called me the next day to tell me she felt the need to tell him about me and we should go on a date…I was apprehensive at first but then I got really good vibes about this man that I never met. When we went on our first date I think we felt something click but for me it was when he kissed me goodnight…and my heart skipped a beat… and just like that, and that fast I had a new man by my side who wants to be there.

Two weeks into my new relationship I get a phone call from the hospital asking me if I was Paul’s wife he was in a motorcycle accident and is in critical condition. I said My husband doesn’t own a motorcycle he never wanted one thought they were deathtraps…well guess what, he bought one and totaled it. He died from blunt force trauma to the chest. again i’m shattered. When my boyfriend showed up at the hospital and stayed by my side for days  and sat through funeral arrangements and anxiety attacks, well I really knew this man was special and I thank god for him everyday.

This is where my story gets bizarre and mind blowing… In short I found out my husband was not just cheating  with people i knew under my nose, but he was also paying prostitutes from here and Las Vegas, the amount of money he spent on them and his gambling went out of control! He has text messages to quite a few and told them i was nothing and i threw him away when it was going to be the other way around..I was told by many he didnt want me to get anything he worked  for…I gave him money to open that business and i used to give him my paychecks too i never had money unless i asked for it…again Hindsight! Then i found out he had one hooker who he favored…she was 24 years old, paul was 52..yuck… not only was she a hooker but a stripper and addicted to drugs with needles, she is also engaged to her lesbian girlfriend….so why was he so in love with her , he wanted to care of her, he would help her and keep her safe..What the fuck? he paid their rent and bought them groceries paid for salon treatments bought their drugs ect… Paul was going down a dark road. Im thankful I turned off but when he died i inherited his messes. This hooker at one point wanted to find me and cut me…the business he was using it as his personal bank account, i do believe there might not have been a happy ending any way this played out. as of now i am still ass deep in his crap but i have removed all and anyone toxic from my life that was or is attached to him including his family, they made me the bad one, also his friends and those who worked for him thought of me as unemotional …now can you blame me. i got a second chance sadly Paul did not his life spiraled out of control and it cost him his life.

I can not forgive him but I will move on. I know what its like to feel love again and I am learning to trust. It’s hard , I know I have been forever changed. But the man I loved I mourned him years ago. he choose this path not me. I will try to remember the good times but he truly needed help he obviously turned into a sex addict, the things i found are forever etched on my mind, a list of hookers and their names and their specialties, how much they were an hour and in one weekend which was my birthday weekend in January he slept with 9 of them, I also know there was multiple partners at once…who knew this stranger i was married too when i said I do, Till death do us part.

This is a true story, i hope it can help someone else through a rough time, i am an open and honest loving person it helps to talk and to write it out, I am not embarrassed by any of it. and I believe people should know what im truly dealing with …I see the the light soon and i am taking baby steps toward my new life.  Peace~