I want my Happy back!

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ONCE again I find myself at the mercy of yet another diet. why?

Okay, its true no denying it… I did put on a few too many in the past year, but in my defense… I’ve been HAPPY!

Let me start by saying. I have NEVER been long lanky skinny skinny mini. I simply was not born that shape. I, like most woman have curves, Hell when I was 10  yrs. old people thought I was 18. Its true. I had boobs and I was already 5’6.  I always had some meat on my bones. But never was obese.

So because of the way society thinks we should look I have dieted, starved, worked out till I passed out, for most of my life trying to fit in what the world thinks is beautiful. I never got as skinny as I wanted or thought I should be. I believe i’m just starting to realize, at the age of 50, it’s just not gonna happen. I came to this conclusion recently while yet torturing myself on yet another diet. Here are my thoughts.

Did you ever notice there are people who can eat whatever, whenever and never gain a pound. They stay the same no matter their age. No matter what. Nothing effects their weight. But  people like me, who are what I like to call weight sensitive, or NORMAL we go up and down up and down you know why…. because we are trying to be something our body does not want to be. My Doctor never said to me lose  50 to 100 pounds he said lose a few to keep yourself in a safe zone for diabetes since it runs in your family.

Everyone is different. I have got to stop beating myself up. Look at my age I can look good and feel good, I don’t need to take a selfie in a bikini to prove that. I feel good and look good for my age. What I don’t feel right now is happy. What I feel right now is hungry. As I type this I also feel my hands shake because i’m starving. For what purpose is this. The reward people say is, you lost weight look how good you look. Okay but guess what… the scale today is up 4 pounds. IT WENT UP! I didn’t even cheat. I might of added a few things here and there… but, if the scale is up four pounds because I ate an extra  celery stalk, or I might of put a teaspoon of oil on my salad here and there because i’m bored with eating cardboard, then i’m out!

I look back at all the times I had significant weight loss. I was under stress. I was in mourning over a loved one. Or Someone broke my heart and I was unhappy. The common denominator here is   (nothing good.)

Through my life this has always been how it goes, up and down. When I diet, on purpose its not an easy task, its a struggle and its pure torture. I’m hungry all the time and after the first 10 or 15  pounds comes off, nothing budges,  its game over.

I not happy. Lately I have been depressed, and i’m starting to put it all together. I enjoy on occasion going to lunch with friends or even out to dinner. I enjoy opening a good bottle of wine. I Love going out with my love and getting an occasional meal or ice cream cone. I love to cook I love to cook for friends and have dinner parties. I love to be around people. For the past month I have stopped enjoying life all because of a few pounds.

I’ve become a hermit. Told people not come over or I can’t go out . This is making me crazy, and to wake up and check my weight has gone up 4 pounds and I didn’t even eat anything worth it!!  I think that’s when I had an my epiphany. Why am I making myself miserable! I have been down this road way too many times . The results are always the same.  I’m not happy, nor do I feel like I have more energy because I lost weight. I feel the same as I always did, just hungrier and miserable.

I hate to say i’m a quitter but how many times to I have to torture myself.  I don’t have the bad eating habits that some people have who are obese, some eat because of emotions, or they are midnight snackers.  I have seen people eat a whole bag of candy or junk food, Or hide food . I don’t have any of these problems, I just may have an occasional desert, or a second helping of a meal, which I know can be easily controlled. I just have to get my head around that. I’m sure its enough to keep the extra pounds off long term.

Also I have seen the other side of this coin too. People like me who are probably supposed to naturally have a little weight on them and they are super skinny, you know the ones, we’ve all seen them. They are the ones who struggle everyday to stay a certain weight, usually under what they should be.  I observe people its a habit of mine. You watch them when they sit down to eat. These are the types who can never sit through a  whole meal eating. They are up and down looking for something, or they say they are helping by washing a pot or pan, or weirdly decide to go do something right at the time we are ready to sit down for a meal.. “Oh Go ahead i’ll be there in a minute”  you know what i’m talking about, if they take one bite from their whole plate its a miracle.  They play with their food too, its so annoying, especially if they are in a restaurant because they cant get up and do anything there are no excuses… like let me get the coffee started, or clean the kitchen so I can sit longer, or let me just finish the laundry… so they simply say I’m stuffed, I can’t eat another bite, REALLY? Because i’ve been watching you not eat.  They aren’t fooling me.  I have been there … honestly its too hard to stay under the weight your supposed to be,  I don’t think that’s healthy either, your starving and you know it!

Even if I was to to wire my jaw shut or go to a fat farm,  Yes, the weight would come off but the minute you ate what is considered a normal well balanced meal, POOF your 10 pounds heavier.

I have lived long enough to know that I’ve been on this road time and time again. I am not happy, I miss doing things. I am more grumpier and bitchy lately and that’s not good.

I have got to stop.  This is who I am.  Curvy, with a few pounds on me. I truly don’t eat bad, but I eat. I enjoy life.  Right now I am not enjoying life. When one stays in bed all day because it keeps you from eating…I’m sorry, this is no way to live. Also My Ex husband and I drifted because he wanted to become  a super skinny guy again, not a healthy weight. We ate at different times  or he avoided meals all together, and worked out for hours instead of having fun and living a life with me.   I see this happening again, I get too hungry and I have my meal then my boyfriend has his hours later. We are not sitting and having conversation, talking, or loving. I refuse to go down that path again. I’m tired of hiding in my house, and i’m tired of preparing and eating food that I hate to eat.

I want to live the rest of my life happy. The world has got to stop putting so much emphasis on body image. And clothes manufactures have got to realize just because I have curves does not mean I have to shop in the plus size… Hell, I don’t know who they make clothes for now,  but a few times extra large was as big as the medium?!  The smallest size I have ever been was a 10… I’m not petite, never was, but there is nothing wrong with my body, Clothes shopping though can put you in a crazy house if your not a little thing.

Well my aha moment is done.  I very much realized why I’ve been in a funk… this is it. I’m hungry, and nothing is happening. I’m alienating friends and what makes me happy for what?  So I  can be a smaller size for a few months.  I don’t need anyone telling me  they have the next diet that’s going to work. There is no magic pill, but there is a balance that I have got to find, and also learn to love me the way god made me… I believe That’s really where we struggle.

Author Robin H. Soprano.

DREAM ~ WISH~ BELIEVE.

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THE WORST BEST THING.

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November 15 th 2015 Is a small but very significant  anniversary of my life now. It has been one whole year   my life changed forever. The worst day of my life turned into what is now a happy and full life.

In short, last year on this date it was a beautiful Sunday, I walked the dog,  made a pot of sauce with meatballs, had coffee with the stranger I thought was my husband for 24 years. Then I did laundry,  found a room card key in my husbands jeans. He admitted to an affair. It shattered me.

We talked about how our marriage was unraveling before this and we had pulled apart but he never wanted to get help, and I thought he was stressed. Little did I know what the next four months had installed for me.

After I threw him out. I quickly moved to a new house, took what was mine and left him to figure out the rest. I flew home to NJ to spend the holidays with family. That was a great Idea, I got a lot of pep talks and through anxiety attacks, tears and darkness I was able to come back to Florida and face the demon. Now keep in mind, I was not in love with my husband anymore but my life was comfortable and in all honesty, I was so unhappy  for so long that I used to say, if I ever found someone I would have left first. I was in a very unloving marriage, verbal abuse, home alone and on my own because he was never there. Our sex life, non existent. The Thing that had me frightened down to my core was being on my own, How would I live? I didn’t work anymore and even if I did where could I get a job making X amount to survive?

Yes of course I went straight to a lawyer, found out I had a lot coming my way!  My husband owned his own company, and after 24 years I was going to get substantial alimony. My husband didn’t want a divorce but he also wanted out. The way he was talking I knew in my gut there was something wrong, mid-life crisis gone really bad!

January came and so did a few dates from guys… some nice some gave me confidence some were insane. On line dating can be scary.  I celebrated my 49th Birthday with girlfriends, but inside I was a wreck. Every morning was so hard to get up and face another day of the unknown. Meanwhile the divorce papers had been sent.

Valentines day came and went, and then a friend introduced to me to a gentleman she knew for a long time. I was hesitant but also keeping an open mind on this new adventure of dating. As luck or as I like to think FATE would have it we hit it off.   From that first date we have not been apart since!

My life was changing, and fast. Every time I took a scary step I realized it was not that scary and I enjoyed having to make decisions on my own with out my over baring husband who was now ignoring me and the divorce papers.  I also was helping out a friend in her salon, a little job that kept me in some ways sane. I started to really see me! That I wasn’t naive, I wasn’t dense, or daft. As my husband used to say.  I realized the decisions I was making and just life in general is really getting peaceful. ..And above all… My boyfriend and I were falling in love.

March 10th 2016. I woke up that morning feeling really great. No anxiety, no crying. my boyfriend called me, like he was now doing every morning on his way to work,  and I felt really happy for the first time in so long. So I sat on the bed and said a prayer and thanked God and all my Angels for watching over me.

Three hours later I get a phone call from the hospital that my soon to be Ex husband got in a motorcycle accident and was killed. The husband I knew never wanted a motorcycle, he always said he would kill himself on one if he got one. I was beyond confused, I felt as though I was suffocating.

Shattered again. I felt so angry,  What was going on in his life why was he acting insane and reckless!  So now what…I’m a widow, now what happens?

Enter darkness once again…anxiety, sleepless nights unless I drugged myself. What I went through next I don’t wish on my enemies, and sadly now I have some!

I finally got a hold of all his things and had to go clean out the fancy apartment he rented, That alone was insanity for me.  I got possession of his computer and ipad, I discovered my late husband had a secret life of hookers, sex, nightclubs and his gambling got worse. I found one nasty thing after another. How could this be?  The more I found out the more certain friends and employees turned away from me. Even his family turned on me in my darkest hours. I still don’t believe it! How certain individuals have dumped on me. How am I the bad guy here?! To this day that hurts me more then what my husband did behind my back.  I even had to make sure one of his little sluts didn’t come to the memorial mass I had for him because I was being threatened  that they would find me and cut me. THIS is what my husband got into and I feared I was gonna get sucked down his dark path.  Needless to say I had to close up the business and liquidate assets. Guess what…that put money in my pocket that I never had, Paul kept me dependent on him.  Slowly things started to come together, something I thought would be bad actually turn out good. This whole time My boyfriend stayed right by my side and helped clean up my late husbands mess. Not his Family or his so called friends who were so devastated they couldn’t get their shit together. none of them helped me at all! (yes I have a list) I thank god everyday he has sent me a wonderful man. It certainly was not his job to help clean up. But a good man says, yes it is my job, I love you.

April 2016 My boyfriend Harry moves in with me. I am dealing with lawyers and the clean up of business’s . At some point when my husband had a clue of normalcy in his life he took out a life insurance policy that I knew nothing about, and my lawyers sent it in. Again God and my Angels heard my prayers, heard my cries of despair and answered them.

August 31st I bought a home of my own. I love that there was no argumentative conversations or hours of decision making it was actually very easy. Again I see how difficult my late husband made my life. My migraines are fewer, my blood pressure is normal and I don’t get a lot of heart burn anymore.

October 15th 2016 I moved into new home. Harry paints and fixes anything I need him to and stuff I didn’t know needed fixing, including my heart. The house is so me, my style, my colors and i’m surrounded by my things, it is my comfort zone.  I am loved. I have someone to laugh with eat with and sleep with. He builds me up and is encouraging. We added a new member to our little family an English Bull dog who we named Roscoe, he keeps us and his big brother Corey  on our toes.

November 15 2016 my anniversary of my new life,  my second chance at happiness. There are no more anxiety attacks. I cook meals and decorate my new home. I know who my real true friends are now. I have learned valuable lessons in many area’s of human nature and discovered who I am. Its so refreshing not to be suppressed or told you are worthless, truly I never believed him anyway  but  that does not change the fact it hurts. The person you love should not be jealous of you or rip you apart and leave you alone and ignored . Every now and then when I say my prayers I thank Paul for everything I have now and weather he knew it or not he removed me from a his bad habits that he couldn’t control that eventually caught up to him. I forgive him. I hope he has found peace from his demons.

I am looking forward to Christmas and new years in my new home with my Harry and our friends. 2017 can’t come fast enough and I will celebrate my 50th Birthday as It starts  a New Journey, New Year,  New Life, New beginnings. All the bad that has happen brought me here to this happy spot were i’m settled with a little nest egg of my own. This Thanksgiving I can not be more thankful and humble ..I believe in god and the Universe what you reap you sow, and yes Karma. I am a good person A best friend to everyone. I Love with everything I am. My soul is an old one and it gives me great intuition that has not failed me. I have come one whole year through all this and I am one tough bitch! I’m Strong, out of the dark and into the light where I found happiness.

If anyone reading this is in a situation and you are in a dark place I hope this helps you, Also talk to a professional  therapist, it helps so much! Only you  can choose to pull out of it. I send you all good vibes and i’ll pray you find you way to the happy!

DREAM~ WISH~ BELIEVE

ONLY A WRITER KNOWS

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The other night I ran into a friend and fellow writer. Was nice to see him, I asked him what has he been writing? His answer? Nothing. I nodded in agreement because I haven’t been writing either. We both agreed that life’s ups and downs get in the way and its hard to focus, but the desire is strongly there. He has been writing a little bit here and there, same as me, just my blog and some notes about Idea’s I get. The re-assuring thing is, we get it. Only a writer knows… I totally understand where he is coming from . He also went back to college  to improve his writing skills. He praised me about the two books Ive published and I should feel good about myself, and that its okay to take some time off for myself. Most know my life changed in a blink of an eye, and now its winding down, calmer, happier. I bought a house and am right now packing, even writing this blog took longer then anticipated. A phone call or two, or whatever it is that breaks concentration .

I suppose having two books published and for sale on Amazon is a wonderful accomplishment and I really need to work on owning that.  The new house has a wonderful office that I’m making my writing cave, writers need a special place to write and feel calm and peaceful to let the muse flow. My muse is hanging back she’s around but I believe she’s letting me find my footing with my new life and waiting patiently for me to be ready.

On a fun note I visited a psychic last week, she also told me I was coming out of a ten year negativity cycle and its coming to an end. Without a word from me she knew there was a death close to me and to forgive because it was basically mentle illness that caused problems. She knew I’m creative in writing, and she saw another book from me soon. She told me I have angels all around me and one is my muse and helps me write, she also told me I will write when im ready, and not to feel pressure about it. She told me my Mother wants me to keep dancing, and she’s happy I made it through a rough time. I was also told I should always lead with my gut because its always right and thats where my clairvoyance comes into play along with my dreams. I had a very good reading , she said she told me everything I already knew, she laughed, and gave me validation.

So if your a writer your not alone. We all go through lifes up and downs. Some days you will write some you wont. We all wake up with the intension. Some can write no matter what and some of us need queit and no traumatic drama life atlering minutia that gets in the way. I am still taking a anti-depressant, the doctor wants me to stay on it a while longer, I also think this is picking at my creativity like a scab on a wound that wont heal because its altering my emotions. If a writer has no emotions while writing there will be no emotion in the reader. If im not feeling my words as I write them, my reader wont either. I truly think these pills keep my emotions so even that when I do write, im not out of breath, or crying or even laughing or the best one…When you write something so good you get  chills!

I trust myself to know that I will be writing soon, but for now I’m still on a break, I’m finding out who Robin really is and I’m learning everyday that, I’m smarter then I thought, I am finding happiness within me. I’m a great decorater, an awesome cook. A great friend and a great Lover. My temper has improved and a lot of stuff does not bother me like it used to. I dont have to worry about minial things anymore either, like who’s job it is to take out garbage or go grocery shopping., because its not a big deal! Throwing a party together is calmer and fun, no one is telling me how wrong I’m doing something or pointing out what they think are mistakes. Or the constant nagging. I feel relieved!!  All these choices are mine to make wrong or right its all about learning and being on our journey, not a destination. I am happy with what I have, and I dont need anything. I also learned how very strong I am and that shocked me the most, but in some small way I think I knew that too.

I am on a new journey and I’m loving it. I’ll be honest, Coming into to a little money is a big help but its never the answer. I am humbled and so very blessed and I will never take anything for granted but I truly never did, its not me. I’m lo-key, and though I like finer things, I’m not obsessed with over the top or flashy possessions, I don’t want the biggest house on the block and I dont want to be loud like firworks. Im happy doing normal things on a smaller scale and enjoying it better then a grand production. I have found going over the top just gives you more problems sometimes, and i’m learning most problems are easily avoidable. Things don’t have to be big, Life does not have to be big to enjoy it. Maybe some people are missing something in their life to fill a void, if there is love and happiness around you, you are wealthy and there is no void to fill!

Okay friends I need to wrap this up and start my journey for today. I thank my friend Robert for inspiring me, I might not have wrote in my novel but I wrote something…( my Blog.)

Writers need to talk with writers, get in a group, take creative writing, keep yourself motivated, even if you are not physically writing our imaginations are still billowing. Write in a journal, write a short story, write on your blog.

And Always, DREAM~WISH~BELIEVE~

A journal is good for your soul.

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It’s been a while since I blogged, as most know I have been busy, and I have also been healing. Healing my mind my heart and soul. Things are looking good and a lot of really great stuff has happened.

One reason for the blog today is, after going to writer’s group the other day, and talking about all kinds of things related to writing and not. I was asked…no, I was told by my peers to get busy writing! lol!! But as I have been talking about for months my desire has gone awry. I feel like I want to, but- my focus is off, train of though derailed. So My friend
Jorja said, journal, everyday write down your thoughts. so I decided I would blog today as part of my inspiration re-boot! For some reason its easier to write down feelings then go disappear in one of my stories in my imagination…Don’t ask why.

My muse has been very patient  probably because I still write things down about my stories in a note book, maybe i’m just waiting to be settled. On paper I am. But I have a move coming up in a month, and I’m very much looking forward to decorating and setting up my new house into a cozy home! The move isn’t far  i’m in the same town.

I am having restless nights, sleep alludes me. I think about stuff, I think about the future, I think about how my day went, worst of all, I think about the past. It’s still a complete mystery of the turn of events that happen to me…What happened to my late husband? Like I said, I’m healing but, even when I’m mended there is always going to be a scar.  I have too many questions that won’t get answered. Best I keep telling myself is to chalk it up to insanity.

I get up everyday, and live my life. I take good with bad. I have made some new friends and sadly some friends I have lost, some I chose to leave, some made the choice for me. I also lost family, they are his blood, but I think it’s better this way. They can’t handle truth and they sweep stuff under the rug and pretend like its not there. Well, that’s not me, and that is one of the big reasons my marriage started to fall apart, among a multitude of things..(insanity)

I think loosing family and friends hurts most. But I can’t make them see my side, nor do I have the energy or time to waste on it. I believe this is my life’s path, people come and go…for 25 years I lived a pretty good life but it was getting empty and lonely, my prayers got answered, in many ways really good and some, very tragic, but the big picture here is to make my next 25 better… all about my happiness. Taking care of what I want and need.

I hope my blog helps anyone going through a loss, any kind of loss… it helps to talk and write things down. I do hope I reach someone who feels as though they are at rock bottom and reading my drama  might help. please feel free to reach out and talk.

Ok… instead of thinking years into the future I’m just gonna concentrate on the next three months… I can slowly move stuff to the new house. My wonderful boyfriend is going to do some painting. I’m going to handle all the paper work of this move. I am excited about decorating my office. I want to get a nice desk and a big comfy chair to sit in…and write my stories!  and I’m looking forward to the holidays!  One day, and one moment at a time.

DREAM~ WISH~ BELIEVE

Till Death Do Us Part

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First let me start off by saying, This is my blog my feelings my truth. If you want to read it great if you think you can’t handle the truth or a story about your family member Paul or your close friend then don’t read it.  This is my story, my life changed drastically in a matter of an hour, or blink of an eye.  I never judged others I’ve always listened so i hope i get the same respect. Some have already told me they don’t want to know. Fine, that just tells me you are not strong enough to handle truth, BUT Don’t you DARE tell me i’m the bad guy without knowing the story.

I tried to write this awhile ago I was going along good and I clicked something and lost it off the blog…I believe it was not meant to be told yet, for I was still very angry. I am much calmer now. Also many have said to me I need to forgive him. I don’t think its gonna happen. Paul did things that are too unforgivable and I didn’t deserve to be treated the way he treated me in past few years.  But this is my story to purge… I may hand write another shorter version directed to him as in letter form then burn it. I am in a much better place now mind body and soul…..

 

Twenty four years ago I said I do. The man I married in 1991 was not the same man I lost.

He was sweet and he cared about my well being. He moved me to Florida so he could have a career and as he put it, “take care of me.”  I really didn’t want to move away but as a wife you go where your husband can provide for you. Truly he gave me a wonderful life. Then i started to notice a serious change. It started when he opened his owned Air Conditioning company and the money started to really roll in. A few years later we built a HUGE home too big for two people . Now here’s where things start to click for me. I always had really good intuition or gut feelings very hard to explain sometimes, and I don’t like to talk about it much because some think your nuts! I also have dreams that I now know without a shadow of a doubt are basically psychic premonitions. I’ve had them all my life but and always thought oh its just a dream…I know better now! My gut or my dreams I can tell when they are trying to tell me something because I actually get sick, or overly emotional. When I would say to Paul , “I Don’t think this house is a good idea we should go smaller im not getting a good vibe!”  He would say..”You have no idea what your talking about , you haven’t a clue about such things.”  Hmmm.. this is where the red flags started for me!

Well guess what happen next. only two years into the house the economy tanked and he couldn’t afford the house anymore. during this time the fighting started…and I was miserable. He Blamed me for everything and I mean everything! He also called me stupid on a daily basis. then the love making completely stopped. I never felt so alone. I truly thought he was under so much pressure I was an easy target, so that’s where i was forgiving and trying to be a good wife. Walking on eggshells making sure things were always done his way because now his OCD was in full bloom too.

While we were trying to save the house but we knew it wasn’t looking good. I noticed Paul’s behavior really getting weird. our fights were bad. and we grew apart. I did seek counseling and begged Paul to go. I told him we are broken we need help But he would not go. He didn’t think he was broken or wrong .  I tried talking to him but my words went over his head. Every aspect of our lives was a shattered mess like broken glass, if you don’t clean it carefully you will get cut. He also started to play poker more and stay out till 5am. This was unexceptionable to me  but I bit my tongue.  I am so glad I mentioned my rocky marriage to my close friends Because when the shit hit the fan  I didn’t need to explain too much …Paul lost weight, went to the dermatologist to get things removed, he started whitening his teeth and got a personal trainer and started to act very strange.

Meanwhile I wrote two books and started to change my life in a different way. changed my career and made a few new great friends. Paul was not supportive of this at all. he acted like he was in front of some, but not all. And to my face told me he didn’t care about my writing and when were out with friends not to bring it up and if they do to tell them you don’t want to to talk about it. These kind of things are the reasons i knew in my gut also my marriage was over. I told him twice it was over but he got scared and begged things would change…they actually got so much worse! he started to take showers when he came home late at night said he was sweaty from his day or he took a crap and wanted a shower. my gut rolled. He avoided me like I was diseased. he put pillows between us on the bed and if I rolled over and accidentally touched him he screamed at me for hours because I  woke him up .

One day I was cleaning the house and I felt so strange like I knew someone was out there waiting to find me. Love me. Appreciate me. The feelings were so strong I cried on and off all day…I might of even called a girlfriend or two and told them how I was feeling. (hindsight) listen to my gut. its almost never wrong…

Then the dreams started …I would dream of us both cheating and when I would wake the images so very vivid playing in my mind. I had to talk to my self and make sure I didn’t sleep with someone. But it was so real! Also I saw Paul sleeping with someone and I honestly  felt such betrayal! I would tell him of my dreams and he would shake his head. call me nuts.

A month later we get our final notice.It was November we were told we needed to be out of the house by January.  The next night we had a huge fight because he wanted to go out and get drunk with friends (something he never did before) and I wanted to stay home make dinner and chat quietly about what our game plan is because he truly had me in the dark, he just kept telling me to pack stuff but would not rent a house until the last minute…it doesn’t work that way . but he said he was trying to save money…hmmmm…we had a successful business you bought a 60,thousand dollar truck…huh?  He went out I stayed home and cried..and feelings of someone waiting for me kept creeping in a voice in my head said get out! get out of this situation…but I was afraid. Surly my husband loves me we are just in a rough spot..Right?

The next morning we were actually getting along fine until I went to do laundry and one of those Hotel room card keys fell out of his jeans…room 308 at hotel on Ormond beach. I approached him calmly, he denied it, “I wasn’t born yesterday” I quietly said with a smile on my face.. weird right? He began to spew lies about how im crazy, and never helped him or i was never there for him I didnt appreciate him or i was never a partner in our marriage…WHAT? That was him? Then he came clean with it was a nothing quick affair..lies..then erotic massages…lies…my world shattered again, I was alone and scared i thought i would die, how would I survive? I have a great support system of friends, i love them all but truly that goes so far, I never felt so alone in my whole life.

I went on a  few dates some were so boring, some were hair raising and some were just plain fun. Then by chance a good friend of mine ran into an old friend of hers, A man she knew for years. She called me the next day to tell me she felt the need to tell him about me and we should go on a date…I was apprehensive at first but then I got really good vibes about this man that I never met. When we went on our first date I think we felt something click but for me it was when he kissed me goodnight…and my heart skipped a beat… and just like that, and that fast I had a new man by my side who wants to be there.

Two weeks into my new relationship I get a phone call from the hospital asking me if I was Paul’s wife he was in a motorcycle accident and is in critical condition. I said My husband doesn’t own a motorcycle he never wanted one thought they were deathtraps…well guess what, he bought one and totaled it. He died from blunt force trauma to the chest. again i’m shattered. When my boyfriend showed up at the hospital and stayed by my side for days  and sat through funeral arrangements and anxiety attacks, well I really knew this man was special and I thank god for him everyday.

This is where my story gets bizarre and mind blowing… In short I found out my husband was not just cheating  with people i knew under my nose, but he was also paying prostitutes from here and Las Vegas, the amount of money he spent on them and his gambling went out of control! He has text messages to quite a few and told them i was nothing and i threw him away when it was going to be the other way around..I was told by many he didnt want me to get anything he worked  for…I gave him money to open that business and i used to give him my paychecks too i never had money unless i asked for it…again Hindsight! Then i found out he had one hooker who he favored…she was 24 years old, paul was 52..yuck… not only was she a hooker but a stripper and addicted to drugs with needles, she is also engaged to her lesbian girlfriend….so why was he so in love with her , he wanted to care of her, he would help her and keep her safe..What the fuck? he paid their rent and bought them groceries paid for salon treatments bought their drugs ect… Paul was going down a dark road. Im thankful I turned off but when he died i inherited his messes. This hooker at one point wanted to find me and cut me…the business he was using it as his personal bank account, i do believe there might not have been a happy ending any way this played out. as of now i am still ass deep in his crap but i have removed all and anyone toxic from my life that was or is attached to him including his family, they made me the bad one, also his friends and those who worked for him thought of me as unemotional …now can you blame me. i got a second chance sadly Paul did not his life spiraled out of control and it cost him his life.

I can not forgive him but I will move on. I know what its like to feel love again and I am learning to trust. It’s hard , I know I have been forever changed. But the man I loved I mourned him years ago. he choose this path not me. I will try to remember the good times but he truly needed help he obviously turned into a sex addict, the things i found are forever etched on my mind, a list of hookers and their names and their specialties, how much they were an hour and in one weekend which was my birthday weekend in January he slept with 9 of them, I also know there was multiple partners at once…who knew this stranger i was married too when i said I do, Till death do us part.

This is a true story, i hope it can help someone else through a rough time, i am an open and honest loving person it helps to talk and to write it out, I am not embarrassed by any of it. and I believe people should know what im truly dealing with …I see the the light soon and i am taking baby steps toward my new life.  Peace~

 

 

 

A door closes and another opens…

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Things are changing! I went to my therapist yesterday and I told her I feel like I keep opening and closing doors almost like in a fun house, mainly because its been a whirlwind. Not only did my life change in less then 5 minutes, Started divorce proceedings.. Then I jumped into the dating pool. But in reality I was not with my husband or any man for a long time and was not treated very well by him at all. So I feel I was separated for about 3 years.

Enter some guys…. some nice, some crazy, some boring …One hung around for awhile and I could have fallen but my gut instinct  knew better. He was nice enough treated me well, but I think we ran on lust no substance and I do believe I was not his only “friend” and he did not want commitment so I was not gonna wait at home on Saturday nights waiting..ALONE! what I am grateful for is he helped build my confidence!

Those dating websites are a nightmare, the only reason I’m still on one is I’m collecting info for my next book…truly, My own imagination can’t make up some of the shit these guys spew..Its awful and hysterical at the same time!

One night a great friend told me she had a great guy for me to meet. So I met him. As luck would have it we hit it off, and have not spent one night without each other since we met! The difference of this guy is he wants to see me he tells me nice things and most important he wants to get to know ME not just my body. This guy is in it for a real relationship, and I am just as smitten. Best part he lives in my town. We know a lot of the same people but never crossed paths, as far as we know. When This man kisses me I feel his feelings behind it. He makes my heart pound and I get dizzy and he literally takes my breath away. BIG Difference! Someone once said to me why do you need a man in your life to feel complete. My answer was.. I don’t need one I want one. I guess its part of my personality I  have a big heart, and I really need to love and connect with people.

So my reference to doors opening and closing, My therapist loved that reference she said that is a great description of what your going through…. my life keeps moving and changing but I wish it would slow down now.. I feel as though I found a wonderful nice man  and I hope my divorce goes smooth so I can relax and enjoy myself. I am still very wound tight, and instead of anxiety I feel as though I get aggravated easier.  I need to calm down. When I am with this man I am calm. and I smile more. He does too. 🙂

I also need to stop being scared of my heart getting broken and enjoy, but Maybe I am still just a bit vulnerable, or gun shy . Maybe again as they say, “Time”…Time is our cure In Time things unfold and work themselves out …sometimes, Time can stand still and in that moment if we are open we see a sign, we get the answer we were waiting for. Is there a reason for everything?! Do things happen to us because its destined to unfold that way? Does the universe give and take things away and put other stuff in our way and say WAKE UP?!  I could think and ponder and analyze all day on this. But it is nice to think there is some cosmic divine intervention at hand helping us …

We just have to sit quiet and maybe just BELIEVE*

 

This book has it all… A little mystery, a little magic and a spice of Sex & Romance. Fun and Quick read! You won’t be able to put it down!!

Love, Adventure and a 200 year old spirit … The unfamiliar world Of the Paranormal… It all begins with One Sip… Get A Taste Of

ABSINTHE

http://www.amazon.com/Absinthe-Robin-H-Soprano-ebook/dp/B013HDL3IO/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1438859494&sr=1-1&keywords=Absinthe+Robin+H.+soprano

Fall in love with a Magical Story ~

A Romantic Adult Fairy Tale!  REVISED VERSION  RE EDITED!!

Torn apart by tragedy in the past, will destiny be on their side in the present …Is love so powerful it reunites two souls over and over through time…

Take a magical, emotional journey with Sal & Gracie as they discover they have been in love for centuries…In… A SOUL MATES PROMISE~ http://www.amazon.com/Soul-Mates-Promise-Robin-Soprano-ebook/dp/B00O242G8O/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1436450984&sr=1-1&keywords=a+soul+mates+promise

DREAM~ WISH~ BELIEVE

Is medication Zapping my mojo to write?

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On Saturday morning I wrote. I wrote in my manuscript of the book i’m working on titled (Three Blind Wives.)  Did I write all day no…But I wrote for  an hour or so. Was I able to tune out the world and my problems for that hour or so ? Yes. For some reason My dog Corey  was the culprit of what made me stop. Usually while I write he sits at my feet or in the doorway content, but for what ever reason he felt it necessary to come give me his head on my lap, then a paw…I’m still wondering if he felt my mood that particular day. I was very down and thought writing would perk me up , I believe animals are very in tune with our being so just maybe Corey felt he needed to give me some love or he knew I needed a good cry. So I got on the floor with him, gave him a scratch or two then I cried…he let me cry on him and he licked my face. When I was done I read the paragraph or page I typed out, I like it for now, then shut down the computer, took a Xanax and poured a glass of wine and went out on my patio and stared into space.

Now I have had a thought go through my mind once or twice and today in writer’s group it was mentioned. As writers we write with emotions, I have written two books while in a bad and unhappy marriage. Now i’m away from that situation and i’m on anti-depressants and  some Xanax. Saturday was a bad day , feeling low… didn’t take meds…I wrote. Can there be a connection? Is that what my muse is waiting for? For me to feel like I can loose the meds and write? Even Corey doesn’t feel the need to give me too much affection when i’m on them. Do the meds even me out so much that I can function normally but has it the ability to ZAP my creative mojo?!  In some ways YES I want to get off this stuff, but right now i’m scared I might be too messed up. I still wake in the middle of night with anxiety though its getting better. Everyday I feel I get better but is it the medication or a combo. I am going to have run a few tests and figure this out.

Meanwhile, even though a writer does not physically write, we write in our heads… don’t worry a story is unfolding, and since My life now is similar to the characters, I am gathering some great materiel  for this book!  I know I will get there. They say time heals all wounds. My future is unknown, for most of us it is but the things I can control I will the things I can’t… i will let the universe and my angels help me, sometimes no choice IS the choice.

On my way to happy.. DREAM ~WISH ~ BELIEVE.

This book has it all… A little mystery, a little magic and a spice of Sex & Romance. Fun and Quick read! You won’t be able to put it down!!

Love, Adventure and a 200 year old spirit … The unfamiliar world Of the Paranormal… It all begins with One Sip… Get A Taste Of

ABSINTHE

http://www.amazon.com/Absinthe-Robin-H-Soprano-ebook/dp/B013HDL3IO/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1438859494&sr=1-1&keywords=Absinthe+Robin+H.+soprano

Fall in love with a Magical Story ~

A Romantic Adult Fairy Tale!  REVISED VERSION  RE EDITED!!

Torn apart by tragedy in the past, will destiny be on their side in the present …Is love so powerful it reunites two souls over and over through time…

Take a magical, emotional journey with Sal & Gracie as they discover they have been in love for centuries…In… A SOUL MATES PROMISE~ http://www.amazon.com/Soul-Mates-Promise-Robin-Soprano-ebook/dp/B00O242G8O/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1436450984&sr=1-1&keywords=a+soul+mates+promise