I want my Happy back!

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ONCE again I find myself at the mercy of yet another diet. why?

Okay, its true no denying it… I did put on a few too many in the past year, but in my defense… I’ve been HAPPY!

Let me start by saying. I have NEVER been long lanky skinny skinny mini. I simply was not born that shape. I, like most woman have curves, Hell when I was 10  yrs. old people thought I was 18. Its true. I had boobs and I was already 5’6.  I always had some meat on my bones. But never was obese.

So because of the way society thinks we should look I have dieted, starved, worked out till I passed out, for most of my life trying to fit in what the world thinks is beautiful. I never got as skinny as I wanted or thought I should be. I believe i’m just starting to realize, at the age of 50, it’s just not gonna happen. I came to this conclusion recently while yet torturing myself on yet another diet. Here are my thoughts.

Did you ever notice there are people who can eat whatever, whenever and never gain a pound. They stay the same no matter their age. No matter what. Nothing effects their weight. But  people like me, who are what I like to call weight sensitive, or NORMAL we go up and down up and down you know why…. because we are trying to be something our body does not want to be. My Doctor never said to me lose  50 to 100 pounds he said lose a few to keep yourself in a safe zone for diabetes since it runs in your family.

Everyone is different. I have got to stop beating myself up. Look at my age I can look good and feel good, I don’t need to take a selfie in a bikini to prove that. I feel good and look good for my age. What I don’t feel right now is happy. What I feel right now is hungry. As I type this I also feel my hands shake because i’m starving. For what purpose is this. The reward people say is, you lost weight look how good you look. Okay but guess what… the scale today is up 4 pounds. IT WENT UP! I didn’t even cheat. I might of added a few things here and there… but, if the scale is up four pounds because I ate an extra  celery stalk, or I might of put a teaspoon of oil on my salad here and there because i’m bored with eating cardboard, then i’m out!

I look back at all the times I had significant weight loss. I was under stress. I was in mourning over a loved one. Or Someone broke my heart and I was unhappy. The common denominator here is   (nothing good.)

Through my life this has always been how it goes, up and down. When I diet, on purpose its not an easy task, its a struggle and its pure torture. I’m hungry all the time and after the first 10 or 15  pounds comes off, nothing budges,  its game over.

I not happy. Lately I have been depressed, and i’m starting to put it all together. I enjoy on occasion going to lunch with friends or even out to dinner. I enjoy opening a good bottle of wine. I Love going out with my love and getting an occasional meal or ice cream cone. I love to cook I love to cook for friends and have dinner parties. I love to be around people. For the past month I have stopped enjoying life all because of a few pounds.

I’ve become a hermit. Told people not come over or I can’t go out . This is making me crazy, and to wake up and check my weight has gone up 4 pounds and I didn’t even eat anything worth it!!  I think that’s when I had an my epiphany. Why am I making myself miserable! I have been down this road way too many times . The results are always the same.  I’m not happy, nor do I feel like I have more energy because I lost weight. I feel the same as I always did, just hungrier and miserable.

I hate to say i’m a quitter but how many times to I have to torture myself.  I don’t have the bad eating habits that some people have who are obese, some eat because of emotions, or they are midnight snackers.  I have seen people eat a whole bag of candy or junk food, Or hide food . I don’t have any of these problems, I just may have an occasional desert, or a second helping of a meal, which I know can be easily controlled. I just have to get my head around that. I’m sure its enough to keep the extra pounds off long term.

Also I have seen the other side of this coin too. People like me who are probably supposed to naturally have a little weight on them and they are super skinny, you know the ones, we’ve all seen them. They are the ones who struggle everyday to stay a certain weight, usually under what they should be.  I observe people its a habit of mine. You watch them when they sit down to eat. These are the types who can never sit through a  whole meal eating. They are up and down looking for something, or they say they are helping by washing a pot or pan, or weirdly decide to go do something right at the time we are ready to sit down for a meal.. “Oh Go ahead i’ll be there in a minute”  you know what i’m talking about, if they take one bite from their whole plate its a miracle.  They play with their food too, its so annoying, especially if they are in a restaurant because they cant get up and do anything there are no excuses… like let me get the coffee started, or clean the kitchen so I can sit longer, or let me just finish the laundry… so they simply say I’m stuffed, I can’t eat another bite, REALLY? Because i’ve been watching you not eat.  They aren’t fooling me.  I have been there … honestly its too hard to stay under the weight your supposed to be,  I don’t think that’s healthy either, your starving and you know it!

Even if I was to to wire my jaw shut or go to a fat farm,  Yes, the weight would come off but the minute you ate what is considered a normal well balanced meal, POOF your 10 pounds heavier.

I have lived long enough to know that I’ve been on this road time and time again. I am not happy, I miss doing things. I am more grumpier and bitchy lately and that’s not good.

I have got to stop.  This is who I am.  Curvy, with a few pounds on me. I truly don’t eat bad, but I eat. I enjoy life.  Right now I am not enjoying life. When one stays in bed all day because it keeps you from eating…I’m sorry, this is no way to live. Also My Ex husband and I drifted because he wanted to become  a super skinny guy again, not a healthy weight. We ate at different times  or he avoided meals all together, and worked out for hours instead of having fun and living a life with me.   I see this happening again, I get too hungry and I have my meal then my boyfriend has his hours later. We are not sitting and having conversation, talking, or loving. I refuse to go down that path again. I’m tired of hiding in my house, and i’m tired of preparing and eating food that I hate to eat.

I want to live the rest of my life happy. The world has got to stop putting so much emphasis on body image. And clothes manufactures have got to realize just because I have curves does not mean I have to shop in the plus size… Hell, I don’t know who they make clothes for now,  but a few times extra large was as big as the medium?!  The smallest size I have ever been was a 10… I’m not petite, never was, but there is nothing wrong with my body, Clothes shopping though can put you in a crazy house if your not a little thing.

Well my aha moment is done.  I very much realized why I’ve been in a funk… this is it. I’m hungry, and nothing is happening. I’m alienating friends and what makes me happy for what?  So I  can be a smaller size for a few months.  I don’t need anyone telling me  they have the next diet that’s going to work. There is no magic pill, but there is a balance that I have got to find, and also learn to love me the way god made me… I believe That’s really where we struggle.

Author Robin H. Soprano.

DREAM ~ WISH~ BELIEVE.