This has been a long time coming, about 2 years. Maybe a little longer. I assumed you had all moved on, as did I. But I noticed maybe some of you sadly have not as it has been blatantly been brought to my attention just a few nights ago.
You are all still accusing me of behaving in a manner which I can not understand. I’m being accused of lies and a skewed perception of what really went on all because you choose to not hear a truth, A truth about a man we didn’t know. You tell me I have made this all about me, Well I was the fool who married him and stayed there for almost 25 years! I was the one being abused and lied to, and I am the one who’s life is now forever altered because of the bad choices he made.
I am being accused of tarnishing a man’s image. No He did that all his own I am merely the messenger. I am being accused of laughing through a memorial service, which I also did not do. Though I do believe, you couldn’t recognize what you were seeing is someone who learned her husband had a dark secret life, was involved in illegal dark things that I couldn’t fathom or make up. You saw someone holding her head up high and not being ashamed of what he brought into my life. You saw someone who had no tears left for a monster I cried over for years leading up to his tragic death. Instead of understanding where I was coming from I suppose it was easier to make me the bad guy, to deflect all your feeling and anger on me.
Its okay I understand none of you are strong enough to go through what I did so maybe that’s why it all fell on me, putting out all the fires he set, Fixing the scrambled fiances, taking the brunt of working with people who knew so much more then they told me and piled more lies on top to cover for him. I was strong enough to clean out his apartment and see things I wont ever forget. Strong enough to deal with lawyers, accountants and phone calls from prostitutes that wanted to come find me and in their words “Cut me.” I will admit I did laugh at the little crack head that threatened me, And I begged her to come find me, because that’s how strong I am.
All of you, his family, through this whole nightmare you were nowhere to be found, not one of you offered to help, not one of you came here for longer then the hour in church, to ask if I needed help cleaning up the disaster He left behind. You shocked people with your ignorant behavior towards me and were the object of discussion after memorial. Congratulations on that achievement.
I do Thank you, because I now know how independent and tough I truly am. I did not end up in a crazy house and I can talk about my nightmare and the house of horrors, in the hopes of helping others. I hope someday you can stop sweeping things under the rug and pull your heads out of the sand and stop living a dysfunctional delusion and face reality. Life sometimes is really bad, and you can’t pretend this didn’t happen .
I lived walking on eggshells, biting my tongue, holding my breath. A toll was wrecking havoc on my health and immune system because of the negativity he threw at me daily. When I would get sick he used to tell me I brought it on myself. Then left me all alone to deal with what ever illness came to me. Most times in pain and bed ridden, once when I miss-carried I was on my own for over 12 hours. He did’t think it was necessary to take the day off, and he was the boss. This is abusive and unacceptable behavior.
True its harder to see abuse when there is no bruises. When one is being pushed into walls or punched a few times a week that leaves the telltale signs. The Scars I now have are from Domestic Coercion and are not visible to the eye. Its much worse, it is the breaking of ones spirit and being robbed of your sense of identity. But thankfully he was not able to break me, he might of bent me but I came back better then I was before.
Funny thing about going through a traumatic life experience it does change us and sorry to tell you there is no such thing as getting over it. We learn to accept any kind of loss but in reality it is much bigger, A life disruption leaves a new normal in its path. There was no getting back to the old me. I have found new joys and found my hidden strength. You can not glaze over problems in an effort to preserve things as normal. It will never be the same, It takes courage, I have it, and you do not. This is your issue not mine. I have been told over and over what a inspiration I am because so many watched and supported me and still wonder in awe how I lived through this hell.
Lastly let me say here I can talk about this to anyone I choose, and do so without crying anymore. The worst part of my life brought me to the best part. I am loved and I am healthy. I help others when I can. I am in control of my life. No one tells me what to say, or suggests how to act and no one controls my fiances. My late husband once said to someone, after he walked out of my life, she’s not going to make it on her own. Thank god he said that, because look at me, making it! Through all of this I was able to forgive him and I do feel less haunted. But as for all of you and certain friends who turned their backs and accused me of doing things I never did and never taking the time to talk to me about it or understand where I was coming from there is no more forgiving to go around for me. I think you guys need to take a long look at yourselves. The hurtful way you went about a difficult time in all our lives was disappointing beyond belief . You drew the line in the sand not me, that being said we are not family we are not blood I only shared a name. My blood supported me and rallied around me, and rightfully so.
Some ask why did I bother with a letter, your not going to get anywhere with them. my answer…I know, I guess I just needed some more peace.
I am blessed, loved and cherished by many everyday. I have a new happy life and new family. Please leave me alone.
Robin H Soprano.