First let me start off by saying, This is my blog my feelings my truth. If you want to read it great if you think you can’t handle the truth or a story about your family member Paul or your close friend then don’t read it. This is my story, my life changed drastically in a matter of an hour, or blink of an eye. I never judged others I’ve always listened so i hope i get the same respect. Some have already told me they don’t want to know. Fine, that just tells me you are not strong enough to handle truth, BUT Don’t you DARE tell me i’m the bad guy without knowing the story.
I tried to write this awhile ago I was going along good and I clicked something and lost it off the blog…I believe it was not meant to be told yet, for I was still very angry. I am much calmer now. Also many have said to me I need to forgive him. I don’t think its gonna happen. Paul did things that are too unforgivable and I didn’t deserve to be treated the way he treated me in past few years. But this is my story to purge… I may hand write another shorter version directed to him as in letter form then burn it. I am in a much better place now mind body and soul…..
Twenty four years ago I said I do. The man I married in 1991 was not the same man I lost.
He was sweet and he cared about my well being. He moved me to Florida so he could have a career and as he put it, “take care of me.” I really didn’t want to move away but as a wife you go where your husband can provide for you. Truly he gave me a wonderful life. Then i started to notice a serious change. It started when he opened his owned Air Conditioning company and the money started to really roll in. A few years later we built a HUGE home too big for two people . Now here’s where things start to click for me. I always had really good intuition or gut feelings very hard to explain sometimes, and I don’t like to talk about it much because some think your nuts! I also have dreams that I now know without a shadow of a doubt are basically psychic premonitions. I’ve had them all my life but and always thought oh its just a dream…I know better now! My gut or my dreams I can tell when they are trying to tell me something because I actually get sick, or overly emotional. When I would say to Paul , “I Don’t think this house is a good idea we should go smaller im not getting a good vibe!” He would say..”You have no idea what your talking about , you haven’t a clue about such things.” Hmmm.. this is where the red flags started for me!
Well guess what happen next. only two years into the house the economy tanked and he couldn’t afford the house anymore. during this time the fighting started…and I was miserable. He Blamed me for everything and I mean everything! He also called me stupid on a daily basis. then the love making completely stopped. I never felt so alone. I truly thought he was under so much pressure I was an easy target, so that’s where i was forgiving and trying to be a good wife. Walking on eggshells making sure things were always done his way because now his OCD was in full bloom too.
While we were trying to save the house but we knew it wasn’t looking good. I noticed Paul’s behavior really getting weird. our fights were bad. and we grew apart. I did seek counseling and begged Paul to go. I told him we are broken we need help But he would not go. He didn’t think he was broken or wrong . I tried talking to him but my words went over his head. Every aspect of our lives was a shattered mess like broken glass, if you don’t clean it carefully you will get cut. He also started to play poker more and stay out till 5am. This was unexceptionable to me but I bit my tongue. I am so glad I mentioned my rocky marriage to my close friends Because when the shit hit the fan I didn’t need to explain too much …Paul lost weight, went to the dermatologist to get things removed, he started whitening his teeth and got a personal trainer and started to act very strange.
Meanwhile I wrote two books and started to change my life in a different way. changed my career and made a few new great friends. Paul was not supportive of this at all. he acted like he was in front of some, but not all. And to my face told me he didn’t care about my writing and when were out with friends not to bring it up and if they do to tell them you don’t want to to talk about it. These kind of things are the reasons i knew in my gut also my marriage was over. I told him twice it was over but he got scared and begged things would change…they actually got so much worse! he started to take showers when he came home late at night said he was sweaty from his day or he took a crap and wanted a shower. my gut rolled. He avoided me like I was diseased. he put pillows between us on the bed and if I rolled over and accidentally touched him he screamed at me for hours because I woke him up .
One day I was cleaning the house and I felt so strange like I knew someone was out there waiting to find me. Love me. Appreciate me. The feelings were so strong I cried on and off all day…I might of even called a girlfriend or two and told them how I was feeling. (hindsight) listen to my gut. its almost never wrong…
Then the dreams started …I would dream of us both cheating and when I would wake the images so very vivid playing in my mind. I had to talk to my self and make sure I didn’t sleep with someone. But it was so real! Also I saw Paul sleeping with someone and I honestly felt such betrayal! I would tell him of my dreams and he would shake his head. call me nuts.
A month later we get our final notice.It was November we were told we needed to be out of the house by January. The next night we had a huge fight because he wanted to go out and get drunk with friends (something he never did before) and I wanted to stay home make dinner and chat quietly about what our game plan is because he truly had me in the dark, he just kept telling me to pack stuff but would not rent a house until the last minute…it doesn’t work that way . but he said he was trying to save money…hmmmm…we had a successful business you bought a 60,thousand dollar truck…huh? He went out I stayed home and cried..and feelings of someone waiting for me kept creeping in a voice in my head said get out! get out of this situation…but I was afraid. Surly my husband loves me we are just in a rough spot..Right?
The next morning we were actually getting along fine until I went to do laundry and one of those Hotel room card keys fell out of his jeans…room 308 at hotel on Ormond beach. I approached him calmly, he denied it, “I wasn’t born yesterday” I quietly said with a smile on my face.. weird right? He began to spew lies about how im crazy, and never helped him or i was never there for him I didnt appreciate him or i was never a partner in our marriage…WHAT? That was him? Then he came clean with it was a nothing quick affair..lies..then erotic massages…lies…my world shattered again, I was alone and scared i thought i would die, how would I survive? I have a great support system of friends, i love them all but truly that goes so far, I never felt so alone in my whole life.
I went on a few dates some were so boring, some were hair raising and some were just plain fun. Then by chance a good friend of mine ran into an old friend of hers, A man she knew for years. She called me the next day to tell me she felt the need to tell him about me and we should go on a date…I was apprehensive at first but then I got really good vibes about this man that I never met. When we went on our first date I think we felt something click but for me it was when he kissed me goodnight…and my heart skipped a beat… and just like that, and that fast I had a new man by my side who wants to be there.
Two weeks into my new relationship I get a phone call from the hospital asking me if I was Paul’s wife he was in a motorcycle accident and is in critical condition. I said My husband doesn’t own a motorcycle he never wanted one thought they were deathtraps…well guess what, he bought one and totaled it. He died from blunt force trauma to the chest. again i’m shattered. When my boyfriend showed up at the hospital and stayed by my side for days and sat through funeral arrangements and anxiety attacks, well I really knew this man was special and I thank god for him everyday.
This is where my story gets bizarre and mind blowing… In short I found out my husband was not just cheating with people i knew under my nose, but he was also paying prostitutes from here and Las Vegas, the amount of money he spent on them and his gambling went out of control! He has text messages to quite a few and told them i was nothing and i threw him away when it was going to be the other way around..I was told by many he didnt want me to get anything he worked for…I gave him money to open that business and i used to give him my paychecks too i never had money unless i asked for it…again Hindsight! Then i found out he had one hooker who he favored…she was 24 years old, paul was 52..yuck… not only was she a hooker but a stripper and addicted to drugs with needles, she is also engaged to her lesbian girlfriend….so why was he so in love with her , he wanted to care of her, he would help her and keep her safe..What the fuck? he paid their rent and bought them groceries paid for salon treatments bought their drugs ect… Paul was going down a dark road. Im thankful I turned off but when he died i inherited his messes. This hooker at one point wanted to find me and cut me…the business he was using it as his personal bank account, i do believe there might not have been a happy ending any way this played out. as of now i am still ass deep in his crap but i have removed all and anyone toxic from my life that was or is attached to him including his family, they made me the bad one, also his friends and those who worked for him thought of me as unemotional …now can you blame me. i got a second chance sadly Paul did not his life spiraled out of control and it cost him his life.
I can not forgive him but I will move on. I know what its like to feel love again and I am learning to trust. It’s hard , I know I have been forever changed. But the man I loved I mourned him years ago. he choose this path not me. I will try to remember the good times but he truly needed help he obviously turned into a sex addict, the things i found are forever etched on my mind, a list of hookers and their names and their specialties, how much they were an hour and in one weekend which was my birthday weekend in January he slept with 9 of them, I also know there was multiple partners at once…who knew this stranger i was married too when i said I do, Till death do us part.
This is a true story, i hope it can help someone else through a rough time, i am an open and honest loving person it helps to talk and to write it out, I am not embarrassed by any of it. and I believe people should know what im truly dealing with …I see the the light soon and i am taking baby steps toward my new life. Peace~