November 15 th 2015 Is a small but very significant anniversary of my life now. It has been one whole year my life changed forever. The worst day of my life turned into what is now a happy and full life.
In short, last year on this date it was a beautiful Sunday, I walked the dog, made a pot of sauce with meatballs, had coffee with the stranger I thought was my husband for 24 years. Then I did laundry, found a room card key in my husbands jeans. He admitted to an affair. It shattered me.
We talked about how our marriage was unraveling before this and we had pulled apart but he never wanted to get help, and I thought he was stressed. Little did I know what the next four months had installed for me.
After I threw him out. I quickly moved to a new house, took what was mine and left him to figure out the rest. I flew home to NJ to spend the holidays with family. That was a great Idea, I got a lot of pep talks and through anxiety attacks, tears and darkness I was able to come back to Florida and face the demon. Now keep in mind, I was not in love with my husband anymore but my life was comfortable and in all honesty, I was so unhappy for so long that I used to say, if I ever found someone I would have left first. I was in a very unloving marriage, verbal abuse, home alone and on my own because he was never there. Our sex life, non existent. The Thing that had me frightened down to my core was being on my own, How would I live? I didn’t work anymore and even if I did where could I get a job making X amount to survive?
Yes of course I went straight to a lawyer, found out I had a lot coming my way! My husband owned his own company, and after 24 years I was going to get substantial alimony. My husband didn’t want a divorce but he also wanted out. The way he was talking I knew in my gut there was something wrong, mid-life crisis gone really bad!
January came and so did a few dates from guys… some nice some gave me confidence some were insane. On line dating can be scary. I celebrated my 49th Birthday with girlfriends, but inside I was a wreck. Every morning was so hard to get up and face another day of the unknown. Meanwhile the divorce papers had been sent.
Valentines day came and went, and then a friend introduced to me to a gentleman she knew for a long time. I was hesitant but also keeping an open mind on this new adventure of dating. As luck or as I like to think FATE would have it we hit it off. From that first date we have not been apart since!
My life was changing, and fast. Every time I took a scary step I realized it was not that scary and I enjoyed having to make decisions on my own with out my over baring husband who was now ignoring me and the divorce papers. I also was helping out a friend in her salon, a little job that kept me in some ways sane. I started to really see me! That I wasn’t naive, I wasn’t dense, or daft. As my husband used to say. I realized the decisions I was making and just life in general is really getting peaceful. ..And above all… My boyfriend and I were falling in love.
March 10th 2016. I woke up that morning feeling really great. No anxiety, no crying. my boyfriend called me, like he was now doing every morning on his way to work, and I felt really happy for the first time in so long. So I sat on the bed and said a prayer and thanked God and all my Angels for watching over me.
Three hours later I get a phone call from the hospital that my soon to be Ex husband got in a motorcycle accident and was killed. The husband I knew never wanted a motorcycle, he always said he would kill himself on one if he got one. I was beyond confused, I felt as though I was suffocating.
Shattered again. I felt so angry, What was going on in his life why was he acting insane and reckless! So now what…I’m a widow, now what happens?
Enter darkness once again…anxiety, sleepless nights unless I drugged myself. What I went through next I don’t wish on my enemies, and sadly now I have some!
I finally got a hold of all his things and had to go clean out the fancy apartment he rented, That alone was insanity for me. I got possession of his computer and ipad, I discovered my late husband had a secret life of hookers, sex, nightclubs and his gambling got worse. I found one nasty thing after another. How could this be? The more I found out the more certain friends and employees turned away from me. Even his family turned on me in my darkest hours. I still don’t believe it! How certain individuals have dumped on me. How am I the bad guy here?! To this day that hurts me more then what my husband did behind my back. I even had to make sure one of his little sluts didn’t come to the memorial mass I had for him because I was being threatened that they would find me and cut me. THIS is what my husband got into and I feared I was gonna get sucked down his dark path. Needless to say I had to close up the business and liquidate assets. Guess what…that put money in my pocket that I never had, Paul kept me dependent on him. Slowly things started to come together, something I thought would be bad actually turn out good. This whole time My boyfriend stayed right by my side and helped clean up my late husbands mess. Not his Family or his so called friends who were so devastated they couldn’t get their shit together. none of them helped me at all! (yes I have a list) I thank god everyday he has sent me a wonderful man. It certainly was not his job to help clean up. But a good man says, yes it is my job, I love you.
April 2016 My boyfriend Harry moves in with me. I am dealing with lawyers and the clean up of business’s . At some point when my husband had a clue of normalcy in his life he took out a life insurance policy that I knew nothing about, and my lawyers sent it in. Again God and my Angels heard my prayers, heard my cries of despair and answered them.
August 31st I bought a home of my own. I love that there was no argumentative conversations or hours of decision making it was actually very easy. Again I see how difficult my late husband made my life. My migraines are fewer, my blood pressure is normal and I don’t get a lot of heart burn anymore.
October 15th 2016 I moved into new home. Harry paints and fixes anything I need him to and stuff I didn’t know needed fixing, including my heart. The house is so me, my style, my colors and i’m surrounded by my things, it is my comfort zone. I am loved. I have someone to laugh with eat with and sleep with. He builds me up and is encouraging. We added a new member to our little family an English Bull dog who we named Roscoe, he keeps us and his big brother Corey on our toes.
November 15 2016 my anniversary of my new life, my second chance at happiness. There are no more anxiety attacks. I cook meals and decorate my new home. I know who my real true friends are now. I have learned valuable lessons in many area’s of human nature and discovered who I am. Its so refreshing not to be suppressed or told you are worthless, truly I never believed him anyway but that does not change the fact it hurts. The person you love should not be jealous of you or rip you apart and leave you alone and ignored . Every now and then when I say my prayers I thank Paul for everything I have now and weather he knew it or not he removed me from a his bad habits that he couldn’t control that eventually caught up to him. I forgive him. I hope he has found peace from his demons.
I am looking forward to Christmas and new years in my new home with my Harry and our friends. 2017 can’t come fast enough and I will celebrate my 50th Birthday as It starts a New Journey, New Year, New Life, New beginnings. All the bad that has happen brought me here to this happy spot were i’m settled with a little nest egg of my own. This Thanksgiving I can not be more thankful and humble ..I believe in god and the Universe what you reap you sow, and yes Karma. I am a good person A best friend to everyone. I Love with everything I am. My soul is an old one and it gives me great intuition that has not failed me. I have come one whole year through all this and I am one tough bitch! I’m Strong, out of the dark and into the light where I found happiness.
If anyone reading this is in a situation and you are in a dark place I hope this helps you, Also talk to a professional therapist, it helps so much! Only you can choose to pull out of it. I send you all good vibes and i’ll pray you find you way to the happy!
DREAM~ WISH~ BELIEVE