Usually my blog is about my writing , my books. But months ago my world turned upside down, after 24 years of marriage he walked out. Truly I knew something was wrong i wasn’t happy either, but thought we could work on things. He didn’t want to and wanted out. Abruptly I was alone, still am. I moved to a new home and my future is up in the air and uncertain. Shock. Depression. Anger. loss. is too much of an emotional roller coaster. Most of my friends say I should escape into my writing.. I would love nothing more but can’t seem to focus to much. so I thought if I blogged about it maybe others going through this can take comfort that we are not crazy! Everyone has their own time to heal, some told me to just get on with my life…(REALLY) How much does that piss you off.. or be a grown ass woman and get more pissed… SERIOUSLY?! if i had the ability to have these super powers don’t you think i’d do it! Also I am not 20 something… im 49.. scared for my financial future and scared of never finding love again…Some say why do you need a man to be happy? my answer is… I guess its way I’m made… And why should I change, i think that is one of my best qualities, That I have to give.. also through this I don’t believe I have done anything wrong, I was there I asked him to let us go to counseling, he blew me off, several times. The good things I never lost.. I like/love myself,I know I’m fun and have a big heart. That’s a plus.
Now, Dipping my toes into dating pool… not happy… its head games… I don’t know how to play NOR do I want to. Why can’t guys just be honest whats with the come on strong then pull away crap.. are they scared? or are they just assholes?
Meanwhile this adds to your depression and fear. I am also trying to get used to being alone..I HATE IT!!!! Some days I really feel this is going to drive me into the loony bin with rubber walls! I never had kids, so im not occupied with that, some have said that is a good a thing, I’m not so sure,they would give me reason and purpose to do more, they would distract me in ways of they need me and my house would not be so friggin quiet!
which brings me to my next feelings…NO PURPOSE… I have no idea why I feel this way, but I do. and it comes full circle of why I can’t write, why I cant read, why I can barley watch a TV show or need meds to go to sleep, need meds to get through my day …Driving through my town life is going on and mine feels dead. I see places and things ive been with my husband and i get sick to my stomach.
Every one I know tells me im strong…well WHERE THE FUCK IS IT?! I concentrate on breathing Daily…The one good thing out of all this… I lost weight, so when I find the strength to go out I at least feel confident. That may be my super power…I am strong in the fact i have confidence and like i said i do like myself i know i am a good person with love in my heart.
I know i am not the the only woman to go through this but its MY life thats falling apart and Right now i see no light of hope.
I Know many of you out there are going through this, or maybe you have lost a loved by a death. Its kind of similar…its a process and we all have our own time to do it and if I want to feel sorry for my self on some days then god dammit i’m gonna!
and no one can tell us any different.
one day i hope and pray i can look back and shake my head and say wow i made it and I’m doing great…TODAY is not the day, and neither is tomorrow!
In my own time..in my own way.. thats the best I can do…
If you like to share you story please reach out to me. I have found it helps to talk.
in the mean time………..
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